I Need Wine

…or something stronger, perhaps.

I have been hating my life due to my job for as long as I can remember and lately it just went too far. My coworker “friends” are so busy “playing the game” (that’s what she calls it now) that they’ve become backstabbers, and the whole environment feels toxic. I feel fine on my long-haul to work until I pull into the parking lot. I get anxious. It’s almost like there’s a black cloud directly over that damn building. And today I’d had enough.

I left my manager a very impersonal note on her desk today. I quit. My last day is 2 weeks from today, July 17. Thank you. *insert scribbly signature here*

Yes, I wrote thank you. Don’t ask. And I immediately felt better. Like a giant sigh of relief. Until I realized I don’t technically have a job lined up. Just interviews. I better perform some magic in the interviews man. Or “play the game.” Annnnd *insert snears here*. Thank you, again.

All of this disappeared while I watched the Travel channel at my parents house with my dogs and my brother, all of them having no idea what I had done today. It wouldn’t have been so peaceful had they known. Somehow watching others on vacation in a beer pool or in an Igloo spa seemed to help me out. Then they showed my next vacation destination!

Fountainbleu in Miami Beach! Woooohoooo! I want to be there now – yesterday actually. It looks amazing! 10 pools and it’s right on the beach. Sun poisoning and hangovers here we come. Apparently movies have been filmed there – James Bond. That’s kind of a neat tidbit. I was checking out their website…$1000 for a cabana for the day. Good thing I don’t want a cabana…but I would like to eyeball some people that have enough money to blow a grand like it’s nothing on a freakin cabana with a flat screen and a personal butler. Must be nice.

Speaking of Miami. I had mentioned to my mom a few weeks ago something about me needing to be on a diet (the usual) blahblahblah…and we got on the topic of colon cleansing and getting rid of “toxins”. I apparently seemed to think I wanted to try one of the silly weight-loss-esque pills at the time. And maybe that day, I did. I’ve lost 2lbs already just from eating salad and other tasteless stuff lately anyways. Tonight my mom presented to me SlimQuick as if it was a Godsend. It seemed to have beams off light shooting out from behind it while birds chirped. Ok, not exactly. They certainly packaged it nicely in a pink box though.

Great. I do not believe in fad diets or fad pills. Or for that matter, pills in general. Here I am holding a large box containing horsepills that seem to contain random meaningless ingredients (artichoke, dandelion, cinnamon bark, the list continues for miles) and one “effective” ingredient Senna. I try not to pass judgement, yet I think I already have. Now for the warning label. You must drink 8oz of water after taking 4 pills with brekfast. 4 horse pills! 4! Fuck. Then you must continue to drink insane amounts of water amounting to no less than 10 8oz glasses of water – to avoid a choking hazard. Then take 2 pills with dinner. Sounds lovely. Quit taking if diarrhea occurs.

Really? I would love to lose a couple pounds stat due to blowing diarrhea out of my ass for the next 2 weeks while taking this pills. That sounds like a fun time. I am frightened of these pills, but their ingredients seem so harmless. I am daring myself to test them out, but blowing my colon out doesn’t sound like something I want to get started. If that’s what it takes to rid of toxins, I’ll take the toxins. Eventually if I get food poisoning or some other illness that happens to come with a severe case of diarrhea, the toxins will be gone…for now. We’ll see. I had just been making fun of Colon Flow with my boyfriend after watching a commercial for it…we have renamed it Colon Blow. Yes, as in you are blowing shit out for weeks. It sounds pretty worth the $19.95, doesn’t it?

In the meantime, I’m sipping on some Moscato (wine #3) tonight. I’ve had Moscato plenty but I hadn’t tried Sutter Home yet. It’s so fruity. The more I am tasting more wines, the more I think it’s too fruity to drink more than one glass as a dessert wine. It’s great for having just one glass though. And it tastes even better now that I am a jobless bum.

And I’m off to purchase some dresses for Miami. This is a wise choice, having no income in the forseeable future and all.


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